Get These Jokes Out of Here

Phil Stanford keeps calling me an international joke writer, which is true - I write for radio stations in a number of different parts of the globe. For example, last time I checked my comedy was on a station in Sri Lanka., plus my late-night TV client is on in over 70 countries. But I like the label mainly because it sounds funny in an Austin Powers sort of way. Speaking of you-know-who he's off next week so I'm going to unload some of the ones that he didn't buy. Have I hyped this too much for you?
1. An awkward moment at the White House today. They told President

Bush the Supreme Court said the way we’ve been treating

Guantanemo inmates is illegal and he just asked, “What’s your

point?”

2. Can you imagine Rush Limbaugh on Viagra? Forget Iraq. We need a

withdrawal plan for that.

3. Politics in America is all about the red states and blue states,

unless it’s Rush Limbaugh on Viagra. Then it’s about the purple state.

4. Rush Limbaugh is a Republican decency values guy, so you know

what the Viagra means. It means he must be secretly married.

5. What’s with these Republican men? Cheney doesn’t know

where he’s shooting and Rush can’t get off a shot.

6. I’ve got a way to keep everybody on the View in line.

Replace Star Jones with Naomi Campbell. She’ll beat them into shape.

7. The fight on The View all started when Katie Couric left the Today

Show. See women are more complicated than men. You ask why two

men had a fight and it’s, “Gus said something and Bob here hit him.”

But to explain this fight it’s like, “Katie did this so Meredith did that,

than Rosie got involved so Star said this and finally Barbara jumped

in.” See, it’s complicated.

8. Can you believe the flooding in Washington, D.C.? And that’s

just the flood of red ink. Then it started raining.

9.. Congressman William Jefferson is pleading for an ice pick today.

See, his freezer got flooded with all the rain, and now his

bribe money’s in a block of ice.

10. Washington, D.C. got 7 inches of rain in 24 hours. I tell you

they were filling sandbags with soft money.

11. A recent survey says Americans are becoming more isolated.

Oh yeah? Ask Iraq.

12. Warren Buffet’s given away 31 billion dollars and who does

he give it to? Bill Gates, the richest guy in the world. That’s like

giving your stash to Keith Richards. Don’t worry. He’s covered.

13. Actually, the money will be used for charity. They want to

help the world’s less fortunate people like millionaires.

14. E. Pierce Marshall, the rich Texas guy who’s been battling it out

with Anna Nicole Smith over his father’s fortune, has died.

Anna Nicole said if she’d known he was in that kind of shape

she would have married him.