Today's Trauma: The Accidental Outfit

There is nothing worse than an outfit on a man. That's my humble opinion, and if it's sexist, so much the better. I'll give you an example: Kim Jong Ill, the current leader of North Korea.
Yet today, through a dwindling supply of laundry, I was forced to wear clothes that actually match. It's quite humiliating, and believe me, the washing machine is on in the background so that ends soon. My wife was first to make a comment about my accidental ensemble: "That's quite a get-up you've got on." I don't do "outfits" and I certainly don't do "get-ups". There can be no connection or design theme in my appearance or I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like staying indoors. Unfortunately, life demands me to venture out, so all I can say is that I'm so glad it's autumn. At least I can throw on a scruffy old jacket. I would hate to subject my local coffee shop to an involuntary fashion statement. They don't deserve that and frankly, neither does Fred Meyer's.

I really get put off by seeing little kids wearing outfits. You know, when the shoes match the pants and shirt. Some even have little matching shades. It's a guaranteed way to screw up their values. Kids should be wearing a mishmash of whatever scraps their older siblings didn't destroy last year. Why? Because they're growing and won't fit in them next week. Then it's back to the mall for another outfit. I think kids should feel loved but not special in a glam way. That's a guaranteed path to a poor self image.

Outfits should be for adult women if they want them. I'm cranky this morning so if that sounds sexist, I don't care. Teenage girls are being harmed by this tribe of Paris Hilton bimbos, and it actually can kill them. 10% of teenage women who become anorexic die from it, so we're foisting this image thing on them, and it's ridiculous. It's a perfection pressure cooker. When I see some rich girl all blinged out in an outfit, it sort of makes me assume her head's messed up. We've got to start worrying about these images the Paris Hiltons of the world sell these vulnerable types.

At least with little kids, they are less impressed. They don't get it about the matching outfit - they just want to go outside and play in the mud. Their outfits are a symbol of our rampant materialism, but they're also the first inroads into their brains to train them to be obedient consumers by their teen years. I think the kids should be protected from the fashion industry for as long as possible - not have it projected onto them.

Now, adult women? That's who outfits are for - if they want them. But for a male comedy writer to have to venture out in a white shirt and faded yellow jeans, is just a crime against humanity. Especially with the white sneakers I got on sale a few weeks ago. I truly look ridiculous and I feel like carrying a picket sign: "This is not a fashion statement. It was a mistake - I am doing the laundry. This is an accidental outfit."

Of course, that would be an acknowledgment that I care what people think, and that's humiliating enough already. I'm supposed to be way too cool for that. Way too cutting-edge. The problem is this outfit makes it look like I care what they think. That's it. I'm okay with blending in, but the idea of someone thinking, "My God, he planned that" is sickening.

I wish there was a service that would just drop off coffee and the paper if you're having an accidental outfit day. If - through no fault of your own - you find yourself in a "get-up". I should not have to go out wearing these clothes. What the hell is wrong with this society?