Thursday, April 19, 2007

Born to Slack Show Co-Host Has a New Son

This has been a painful week in a lot of ways, so anyone who comes up with good news is immediately a hero. That is why James Shibley is now a hero. He and his even more heroic wife really delivered this past Monday with a new baby boy named Robert. As loyal viewers already know,(just play along), James had the idea and was the inspiration for the "Born to Slack" cable access show - now shooting its 155th episode.

It should be interesting to see how this Hall of Fame slacker responds. One of his early concerns, expressed on the air by the way, was that the birth could come during James' watching of the Masters Golf Tournament. No worries. The baby might take after Dad just a little as he arrived a couple of weeks late.

There will be many sentimental scenes ahead as the proud father teaches the son how to use the remote control. Yes, the sofa will have a tiny new indentation from another set of ass cheeks. I even suggested placing the baby in the rather substantial sofa imprint of James' ass in lieu of a playpen.

Speaking of the Masters, after Zach Johnson won he went over and kissed his baby son. It was immediately obvious that winning the Masters was one level of importance, but having the kid was what really mattered. Sitting at home watching, I said to myself, "What James is doing here is more important than winning the Masters." And it is. Mother and Baby are resting comfortably and you know James is.

The classic part for me was that I had just experienced a break-in when he called. As bad as Monday sucked for the rest of the nation, I somehow managed to have it suck that much worse. I went out at around 2 to have coffee with Phil Stanford, and when I left the house, my wife was just planning to go out. When I got back at 3:30, the front door was open and the place had been trashed. The first level of alarm was when I realized the thief could still be inside. So I searched around in combat warrior mode. How do they say it? I swept the house for the perp.

The really horrible part was when I called my wife's cellphone, and got the call forwarding thing twice. If she goes out driving or to the store, she doesn't like to talk on the cellphone for more than a few seconds. Suddenly, I got a cold chill: Door open, house trashed, wife gone, phone not working, car gone....could this be a home invasion, kidnapping scenario? I called 911 and when they asked if it was an emergency, I described what I had so far, and they sure took it seriously. I was starting to breath more quickly, and I was just getting that ominous, dreaded deep-fear thing, when my wife drove up in her car. Whew!!!!!

She had gone out and normally takes the phone. This time she had forgotten. Though the cellphone was now with the thief - as I had figured - at least she was not. She was safe. After that I was so relieved that the rest of the experience was almost euphoric. The police officer was great. Officer Brock Sorensen took the report and he seemed like a credit to the force. The finger print woman mainly dealt with my wife as the phone rang and it was James calling about the new kid.

I didn't bring up what had just happened as it was his big day. The classic part was hoping that he wouldn't want to do the "Born to Slack" show this week because of the new baby. He said that he was up for the show and could make it over Friday. He even said that it would be "routine." I didn't say anything, but it was a classic comedy moment. Routine? Sure, except that my video camera had just been stolen.

Other plans have been made, and my wife and I are living through the post-crime paranoia. I wanted to attend the Steve Novick announcement yesterday so I threw on the suit and was rushing around writing my jokes so I could go. When it came time to shave I realized that the bastards had even taken my electric razor. I'm not kidding. So I arrived at Steve Novick's announcement with a suit but a sort of stubble look.

Oh well, I bought a new razor last night, we replaced the wife's phone, and made an arrangement for the camera. I also lost a Fender Telecaster in the deal, but that's just like a musician tax. Every ten years or so someone steals a guitar. I'm still just grateful nobody got hurt. I even told Phil, I probably would have been taking my nap when the guy came in so there's a chance his call for coffee could have saved some real ugliness.

Monday was a horrible day for America, and I can't complain too much. I came out of it with my wife safe, and with my friend James having some tremendous news.

In fact, that's the positive. With all the horror in the world Monday, there was also a new little baby full of hope. As my comedian friend Troy Wagner said when he called from Florida, "I'm buying stock in Doritos. There's a new slacker in the world."


At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The astrology of Monday was at precipice. Though, "Monday's child is fair of face ...."


Bill, 'they' don't come in when you are there. Indeed, 'they' come in knowing you are NOT there.

How do 'they' DO that?

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Bill McDonald said...

They could watch the house, or they could ring the doorbell and assume no response means nobody is home.
If I was crashed out downstairs I might not have responded to the doorbell.
Sometimes I don't answer the doorbell even when I'm awake.
I'm usually here - this was a rare foray out at this time of the day.

At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

could have been stealing your jokes?

At 5:21 PM, Blogger Bill McDonald said...

I'm in the "write more" camp but then I don't do standup so it's not a livlihood thing.
I used to go down to the clubs for open mike, and one day I was talking to a comedian on the phone. See, I don't sit around and slam my head against the wall writing this stuff. It just falls out, which is why I can write dozens and dozens of jokes a day fast.
I told the comedian I was a recovering workaholic and that it wasn't easy. I take things one sofa at a time. Maybe someone else has written something similar, who knows? Anyway, i went to the club and the comedian was doing the bit as I came through the door. Awkward!
I also remember one time when I wrote a joke I was pretty sure was mine that went on national TV. When I was told it wasn't I said are you sure? They said they got 12 versions of the joke. So we're not talking lightning bolts from heaven here.
One way I stay ahead is by doing topical stuff. I also survive by letting the shock jocks have the crude stuff while I go for funny in a more innocent way.
It sounds like that Northwest airline pilot they caught on cocaine had a pretty bad problem. Even the nose of his airplane was bleeding.

The latest theory is that the bees are disappearing because of cellphones. That shows how dumb I am, I didn’t even know they talked on cellphones.

As you might have suspected neither of those jokes sold.

At 10:39 PM, Blogger Jack Bog said...

Speaking of cell phones, has anybody tried figuring out where your stolen one is? Sometimes if you call it, the thief will answer!

"The Man" can also sometimes tell where the phone is, using "GPS" (or some such thing). But wait, what am I saying? This is Portland 2007, and for a property crime, it seems it's been more than a decade since anyone on the police force could care.

At 6:35 AM, Blogger Bill McDonald said...

I called but we took the route of disconnecting it rather than letting the theif run up long distance.
The phone is now no longer a phone in the sense that it can never be activated by anyone again.

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