Sam Adams to the Rescue

The Trib and Jack Bog have reported on the displeasure condo owners in the Pearl District are feeling at hearing freight train whistles at 2 in the morning, and the City Council has been quick to react.
This morning Sam Adams issued the following statement: "As the Commissioner in charge of transportation, I first want to say that I've done a wonderful job. I've attended many meetings and made a lot of decisions that were all terrific. Indeed, we will look back on my time as City Commissioner as a golden era in transparent government, especially in the area of transportation. But enough about me. Recently, the City Council became aware that freight trains go through Portland at night. Not only has this victimized the condo owners of the Pearl District, but it threatens to disrupt the Eastside Development Project. That is why I am announcing today that train traffic in the city will be phased out over the next 5 to 10 years. This is the linchpin for a vital new Portland. Any essential freight for the local area or any passengers traveling through on Amtrak, will be stopped at the outskirts of town, and transferred to street cars. This will be funded initially with a Smoke tax and then later the Mirrors will be provided by an urban renewal district. Now for some positive results: Although this plan was just announced this morning, it has already generated 7 billion dollars of new investment along the train track corridor. As the next phase of the plan, the City Council would like to announce a new business partnership: The Union Station Condo development. This should help meet the challenges of the many new Portlanders who will be moving to our area. Thank you, and may I just finish by saying that this was a terrific press release, and that I did a wonderful job presenting my new proposal to Portland. Signed - Mayor Sam Adams."