New Wonder Law! War Crimes Gone with the Stroke of a Pen!
Tremendous news about our beloved leaders: They're not going to be war criminals anymore! Glory to the Empire! All Praise to the Executive Branch. Did I say Executive Branch? I must turn myself in to Homeland Security for a fine-tuning. There is only one branch. Wait, it's not even a branch - it's the entire tree. Sorry to slip up. I'll report this afternoon for some corrective punishment.
What is this? Okay, it turns out that a bunch of stuff Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld did in the last few years was illegal. That's according to the terrorist appeasers in the Supreme Court and the nitwits in Congress who wrote our "laws." Fortunately, our beloved leaders have a way to go back in time and fix those laws. It's like when Superman flies around the earth backwards to fix something in the past.
The new bill on handling torture is going to be retroactive. I'm going to give you a moment to guess just what date is involved. You're right: the most overexploited date in the history of the world - September 11th.
From now on the war crimes stuff the Bush administration did back then, is no longer a crime. The Republican Congress is cranking out the bill right now. Of course, President Bush said he was worried about how the "laws" would have affected his CIA personnel, but he's such a kidder. He couldn't care less about them. What this was mainly about was covering the Presidential bottom. Then they'll sell it you as a huge win against the terrorists. You've got to love it, don't you?
I just feel so wonderful about this. The idea of torture was so ugly, but now that it's legal, who am I to object? In fact, why stop here? O.J. Simpson was involved in some pretty ugly things too. Just in case he isn't 100% innocent, how about a special law that says famous broadcasters who've won the Heisman Trophy can slash their ex-wives throats and stab waiters? We can make it retroactive to the night Ron and Nicole died. That way we could feel wonderful about O.J. again, too.
Oh, forget OJ. This is bigger than a couple of murders. Lots of people died here. This is about the prestige and values of the United States. So let the word go forth: The President is no longer a War Criminal. Torture is okay as long as it involves consenting adults, and - hey - we can make detainees consent to anything. I love laws and stuff, but I really love our leaders. Long live the Empire! Isn't this great?