"If I was the President of this land..."

Critics of the federal government and the President are often asked, "So what would you do differently?" That can be a tough one. I admit I would screw up many things 10,000 times worse than they are now. Anything involving meetings would soon fall apart - I've spent my life avoiding meetings. The fact that I have to record my cable access show today at a certain time, and then go edit it at another time, puts today in the category of total loss - and that's before you count the quality of the show.

I've searched my brain to find ways to do that telecast without putting in a full 2 hours a week, but I simply can't do it. I guess it's just part of the sacrifice I make to pursue an Emmy. And yes, I am kidding. So anything involving the President actually attending meetings would eventually disintegrate into utter chaos. I would not hide that from the voters. In fact I would campaign on it, as long as the campaign did not involve me showing up somewhere at a specific time. So, I freely admit a Bill McDonald presidency would be a disaster.

However, there are a couple of areas where I can guarantee you that I would have made a great President. First, we would not be in Iraq. I am very good at smart decisions that involve not doing anything - and that includes not doing anything stupid. In fact, the decision not to act unless there's a damn good reason, is what I am best at. I could have saved this nation so much trouble simply because I knew Iraq was a bad idea from before Day #1.

The second area that I would excel at would be fighting forest fires. This has been my pet peeve for many years. I wrote a column about it for the Tribune, and I wrote a script about it that didn't sell to Hollywood. Do you realize how much we could do with the money we're throwing away in Iraq, when it comes to fighting forest fires? Doesn't it piss you off seeing these vintage prop planes dropping the red stuff? How about when a single helicopter drops a bucket on the fire?

My plan involves rapid response with overwhelming force. Satellites to spot the fires early. Fighters dropping high tech materials on them. Strike forces that go in and mop up. And when a forest fire gets out of control, a massive fleet of cargo planes and bombers that hit it with an amazing round-the-clock supply of water till it is out. No more red stuff. God knows what's in that. We would fight fire the natural way and unlike in Iraq, we would have a winning strategy. One of these out of control fires was racing towards Los Alamos labs a few years ago. This is a national security matter for real, and remember: This latest tragedy in Southern California that killed 4 fire fighters was arson. What if that caught on?

While we are halfway around the world dropping billions of dollars on Iraq, we should be spending a fraction of the money to eliminate the problem of forest fires. A few years back, the satellite pictures showed one third of Oregon covered in smoke. What else do you need to realize there's a problem? My administration will not tolerate that ever again. This is your President wishing you a good night, and God Bless America.