From the Songbook of Zimmerman: Behold a New God

It's interesting how religions gang up in each other. Currently we have Christianity and Judaism squaring off against Islam, but if there was no Islam, the remaining two would turn on some other faith or each other. If there was just Christianity, it would break off into various sects that would also fight. In fact, that's already happened many times, but right now the fundamentalist Christians who gave us the Bush administration are currently focused on Islam. In that sense, we owe the Muslims for giving us peace between the warring Christian tribes, although it has played havoc among the warring Islamic tribes.

The key thing about religion is that it pays to have one. If you just say you're a spiritual person it sounds so new age. If you say you're an atheist they see it as communism. If you say you're a person of faith, you get automatic points no matter how insincere you really are. Just look at George Bush. His actions have about as much to do with Christianity as they do with 15th century ceramics. That is - not much. Yet, he sold himself as the Pastor-In-Chief, and that meant guaranteed support among the religious people who followed him. In fact, he's counting on Christians again to keep Congress Republican and allow him to go on ignoring Christian beliefs for another 2 years. It's obvious: Being religious gives you an advantage in life, and it gives you social standing and power. And the cool thing is all you really have to do is announce that you're religious. If it were based on deeds, President Bush wouldn't stand a chance.

So in this society religion sells even when you're selling out the religion. Thou shalt not kill? Help the poor? As quaint and out of date as the Constitution or the Geneva Convention. But talking about it can make you a big success. Talking about helping the poor and weak can make you rich and powerful.

That's why I've made a decision to answer all questions about my religion with a reference to the Bob Dylan song, "The Mighty Quinn". This is not New Age. This is Classic Rock. If I were being flippant I could say, "Upon this Classic Rock I will build my church" but that would be a mistake because it would be seen as making fun of Christianity and that is not what this is about. I repeat: I am not making fun of other religions here. I am just making use of my freedom of religion until that is revoked, which at the current pace could happen sometime next year. Why shouldn't I take advantage of religion? Our political leaders do it, and it sure works for them.

So who is Quinn? Quinn is an Eskimo, but he's not just another person. Quinn is mighty. That's why they call him the Mighty Quinn. Here, maybe I should let you read the lyrics:

Ev'rybody's building the big ships and the boats,
Some are building monuments,
Others, jotting down notes,
Ev'rybody's in despair,
Ev'ry girl and boy
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
Ev'rybody's gonna jump for joy.
Come all without, come all within,
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn.

I like to do just like the rest, I like my sugar sweet,
But guarding fumes and making haste,
It ain't my cup of meat.
Ev'rybody's 'neath the trees,
Feeding pigeons on a limb
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
All the pigeons gonna run to him.
Come all without, come all within,
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn.

A cat's meow and a cow's moo, I can recite 'em all,
Just tell me where it hurts yuh, honey,
And I'll tell you who to call.
Nobody can get no sleep,
There's someone on ev'ryone's toes
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
Ev'rybody's gonna wanna doze.
Come all without, come all within,
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn.

Uh oh, I just heard another group of people have adopted these lyrics as the basis of their religion, too. Of course, where I just see them as funny and whimsical, I hear these people are deadly serious. In fact, they accuse me of worshiping a false Eskimo because to me the Cup of Meat line is just a line, whereas they believe Quinn should be worshiped with an actual cup of meat. Last I heard, they were coming this way, and they plan to kick my ass.