Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Is It Just Me Or Am I Being Stalked By A Turkey Wrap Sandwich?

This is not going to help with my paranoia - the feeling that I'm being singled out by an unseen force. A local TV station had a report on health code violations at grocery stores, and one of the examples they used was a turkey wrap sandwich from a Fred Meyer's. The report said the temperature of the sandwich was too high as it sat in the deli counter display case. I believe it was 52 degrees. Apparently another couple of degrees and it would have begun throbbing and mating with the sandwich next to it.

Watching at home, it struck me that the odds were fairly long that a sandwich I had purchased over 20 times would be featured on the 11 o'clock news. Plus of all the Fred Meyer's this turkey wrap could have been from, it just happened to have been made at the Fred Meyer's I go to everyday. See where the paranoia comes from? For the record, nothing ever happened to me, and I've chatted with the people who work there enough to like them and respect their work. One woman makes over 100 sandwiches every morning, and I trust her, having also had many of her turkey bagel sandwiches.

That is why I am writing off this experience as an attempt by the gods to unnerve me. Naturally I will refrain from ordering that particular sandwich for a while, out of respect, and if I do buy another I will leave it in its plastic wrapper and hit it once with a sledgehammer to make sure it is dead. Something of this nature deserves a measured response.

However I am not done. I will also take this opportunity to vent about my health code issue with grocery markets. It occurs at the "paper or plastic" stage. Often cashiers will reach for a new bag and since they are hard to get a hold of, the cashiers will wet their fingers on their mouths first. If I were King of this World, that would be punishable with prison time. Think of what the cashier is doing to his or her own body by repeatedly handling money and food and then touching their fingers to their mouth. Then they pass the saliva back to the plastic bag with your groceries. Perhaps you have felt a slight wetness when you picked up a bag.

This must stop. It is gross and unnecessary and unhealthy. I'm willing to overlook a turkey wrap sandwich in a refrigerated display case that is not cold enough, because I know you're going to address the problem. Indeed, I saw the looks on the deli department this morning. I could tell it's no fun when one of your sandwiches makes the 11 o'clock news. I will remain loyal, after the appropriate mourning period. Besides, these paranoia spells come and go - I'll be fine.

However, this thing where you touch your fingers to your lips before grabbing a bag, is not right. It has got to stop. The practice is one turkey of an idea and it's time for a wrap.


At 4:14 AM, Blogger Jack Bog said...

These rants show that the deadly turkey toxins have already begun their work.

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Bill McDonald said...

This is my version of the lead in the chocolate bar.

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

but back to the germ thing, the one that kills me is seeing an NFL quarterback lick his hand before the snap. Eeeewwww.

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