The Scapegoat Pledge

It is time for all Americans who really want to help this country to step forward and take the following pledge:

"Dear Mr. President,
1. I want to say that you were 100% right about our reasons for going to war in Iraq. I could list them all but let me just sum up: They were well thought-out, noble, and brilliant. We are currently experiencing some problems implementing your plan, but I want to state forthrightly, that this is my fault, and the fault of people like me. By criticizing your plan, we gave strength to the enemies who hate us for our freedom. Blaming any of what went wrong on you or your team is a cynical attempt to make political points out of this situation, and I, for one, apologize that you have to endure it.

2. I would also like to state that - despite all the problems people such as myself have caused - we are now just 6 months from total victory in Iraq. The new government is almost ready to take hold and democracy is about to flower in the region. The sectarian violence is in its death throes, and a bright new day is only half a year away, proving - as if we needed proof - that your wisdom and resolve are as magnificent as advertised.

3. Despite our imminent victory, I'm sorry, but I'm going to screw things up again. In fact, I deserve the blame if we abandon our current strategy and get out of Iraq now. I know you will be criticized for it and that's so unfair. It's why I want to shout from the mountaintops: This is my fault! President Bush had a brilliant plan, and it was just about to work when I - and other like-minded terrorist appeasers - interfered with the march to history and screwed up Iraq!

4. Someday when we are out of there, and American soldiers are no longer riding around getting blown up for no apparent reason, I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. You had a great plan and I messed it up. Sorry, I apologize. It is not your fault Iraq failed. I repeat: It is not your fault. It is my fault. Now can we go?"