Torture Is No Longer Not Torture, But That's Okay Because Now It's Legal

What more do you need, folks? Let me run the official positions of our government as they've descended to where we are this morning: America does not torture. America wants to outlaw torture but that would be bad because - even though we do not torture - we would like to be able to if necessary. Not torturing people then becomes the law of the land, except President Bush does a signing statement saying he will ignore the law, but he insists we still don't torture. Yesterday his CIA director admits that we do torture. Yes, we torture but we don't torture that much. Besides, it depends who is doing it. If Christians are doing it, it's what Jesus wants. If Muslims are doing it, it is because they are evil.
And our latest position - and I do mean position: We do torture and it is now legal because President Bush says so - and he talks to Jesus, remember? And who should know more about torture than Jesus? However America still does not do illegal torture because that would be wrong.
Everyone got that? Repeat it over and over again, 'til there's nothing left of your brain, and then proceed. Do not waste your time dwelling on this. Take comfort in knowing one simple truth: Britney is now wearing her panties again, and all is right with the world.