Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Uh, Oh: I Know Where This Is Going

Wow, it’s 5 of 9 and I’ve got nothing. This blog post can't make it to the archives fast enough. I had a good title for a piece on Chasse: At What Point Does D.A. Mean “Designated Accomplice”? I also thought about doing an O.J. update, based on the time I met Bob Shapiro at the Producers Guild Awards dinner: “The outside world was room temperature with no breeze. The tall palm trees seemed as fake as the breasts on the Hollywood wives below.” You know, detective novel stuff.

Ahh, screw it. I’ve got a head cold and nothing is working. President Bush is in Vietnam so the general rule applies: Don’t make fun of the President while he’s in another country, unless it’s about the specific visit.

1. When President Bush got to Vietnam, he asked why one of their prostitutes is so famous. Who is this Ho Chi Ming anyway?

2. President Bush still doesn’t get it about Vietnam. He asked if he was going to be staying at the Hanoi Hilton.

3. The Vietnamese had a wonderful state dinner for the President. In his honor the main course was Lame Duck.

Yeah, I’m sure they’re going to go for those.

Worse yet, this is payback day for taking my wife to see “Borat”. I’ve got to go sit through, “The Queen”, about the British Royal family. I’ll be the one yelling out, “Get a job!”

I’m sorry, I know they’re good for tourism but the British Royal Family is one of my peeves. Especially a few years back when they were all humping like rabbits. My all-time favorite from those days: Princess Diana, getting it from her riding instructor in the Royal Stables. That’s a scene I bet they didn’t put in the movie. Mount up! Talk about riding bareback. I wonder if he still used the stirrups and the little whip?

I'm sure none of the fun scenes from the Royal Family will be in the movie. That leads to an obvious question: Why do most so-called classy movies suck?

I prefer the less stuffy world of the lower classes. Did you see Roseanne on Larry King? He asked her about her upbringing, and she had a great twist on a standard sentimental line. She said something like, “Yes, Larry, we didn’t have money, but we didn’t know what it meant to be poor. Why? Because we were stupid, too.”

I know, I’ll finish this up with my Roseanne anecdote. Leno was a witness in the Michael Jackson trial so he was under a gag order on the subject during the monologue. He would bring out other celebrities to do the Michael Jackson jokes so I got to hear Roseanne do one of mine: "Defense lawyers say that Michael may testify. They don't really want him to but they think it's the only way
they can get his nose to grow back."

God, that joke’s stupid, but it’s my Roseanne anecdote.
Anyway, it’s back to business here. I’ve got a cold, we’re expecting rainstorm #1139-B, and then I’ve got to go see “The Queen”. This incessant whining has been brought to you by your Portland Freelancer. Have a wonderful day.


At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

say what you want about The Queen .. et al...

OUR 'Royal Ass Family' (lately) clears brush away from their dismantled Chevy in the front yard.. and if you squint - even a little bit - you can see dis-function all over hell.

So a little humping is not so bad perspective.


At 11:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dave got off a good one last nite:
"apparently this time dad couldn't get him outta going to Vietnam."

At 12:30 PM, Blogger LaurelhurstDad said...

If you're looking for joke fodder, I would think that fact that the Republicans aren't demanding recounts in close elections would be a goldmine.

Ask the electronic voting machine to 'recount' and it spits back the same numbers each time. Must be accurate!

And a close examination would show that the Dems probably won by a much larger margin than what was recorded. That wouldn't look good either.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Reel Fanatic said...

Not much to add except that I laughed right out loud at that Ho joke ... I don't work in a place where I could share it with anybody, so I didn't, but I myself enjoyed it quite a bit

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Bill McDonald said...

"The Queen" movie wasn't that bad. I wished I knew what it was about before making those Diana jokes.

At 12:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Borat Not So Funny
The name of this remote Romanian village means "mud," and that's exactly what angry locals are throwing at comedian Sacha Baron Cohen.

Cohen used Glod's Gypsies as stand-ins for Kazakhs in his runaway hit movie, "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan." Now offended villagers are threatening to sue the film's producers for paying them a pittance to put farm animals in their homes and perform other crude antics.

Residents and local officials in the hardscrabble hamlet 85 miles northwest of Bucharest said Tuesday they were horrified and humiliated to learn their abject poverty and simple ways were ridiculed for a movie now raking in millions at box offices worldwide.

"We thought they came here to help us -- not mock us," said Dana Luca, 40, sweeping a manure-stained street lined with shabby homes of crumbling brick and corrugated iron sheeting.

"We haven't got anything here. We haven't got running water. We can't even bathe," she said. "We are poor people, but we are still people."

Nicolae Staicu, leader of the 1,670 Gypsies, or Roma, who eke out a living in one of the most impoverished corners of Romania, said he and other officials would meet with a public ombudsman on Wednesday to map out a legal strategy against Cohen and "Borat" distributor 20th Century Fox.


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