Figure Skating Recap - The Silver Ass Plant

They still call it “Ladies Figure Skating”, even after Tonya Harding, but let’s not kid around, folks, this is a sex show. The first contestant that I saw was a 19-year-old Italian woman wearing the equivalent of a black thong. She glided around pointing her rear end in every possible angle. I imagined crowds of Muslims rioting just seeing this. There were some camera shots that made it look like she was naked from the waist down.The judges clearly had no appreciation for great art, and her skating wasn’t that bad either. Sure, at one point she came very close to slamming into the wall, pushing off with her hand, but she had made a statement I will not soon forget. This was definitely a world-class presentation.
The American hopeful, Sasha Cohen, is just now starting. Ouch. A mere 15 seconds in she fell right on her ass, and then she did something awkward right afterwards. You can almost see her coach heading back to the hotel to pack.
Oh well, at least she had an outfit and appearance that didn’t make me feel like a pervert to watch. The Italian babe had been so hot I caught myself sticking quarters into the TV.
After the American, Sasha Cohen, had established there was no chance in hell of the gold, she actually skated well, and wound up with the silver. The music was schmaltzy as all get out, but except for the ass plant at the beginning, this was quite respectable.
The Japanese woman is on now. I know in advance that she’s the winner and everything is clean and tight. Damn it, I miss Tonya Harding.
Tonya had much more of an athletic thing going on, than this ice princess. Tonya could leap twice as high in the air and never even drop her cigarette.
Oh, well, that’s the gold. Good night, Torino.