Sea Lions Versus The Great White Hope

After years of sea lions at the Bonneville Dam doing a Kirstie Alley impression with the salmon supply, a particularly loathsome individual is back. I believe it’s time to plan before his dreadful freeloading buddies show up. We have two federally protected species involved here, so any court-ordered remedy would take months. What we need is a creative solution to end this thing quickly but in a natural way, and that’s why I recommend bringing in a Great White shark.
First, is there anything more humiliating for the human species than watching two grown men in a speedboat, throwing glorified firecrackers in the river to try and scare away sea mammals? It didn’t work at the Ballard Locks in Seattle and it’s not going to work here. These fish ladders are like a sea lions’ buffet on a conveyor belt. We’d have more luck putting them on Jenny Craig.
It’s insulting. Did we really work this hard to be #1 on the planet only to have these sacks of lard use our own technology against us? Getting fat is our specialty, and so is endangering other species. These things aren’t just hurting the fish; they’re stealing our act.
Here’s how the plan would work: A Great White would be caught off the Oregon coast using strong fishing nets. By putting chum in the water, we’d only attract sharks that were already hungry. The hope would be for a specimen around 14 feet long. Granted, when I see that mocking look in the sea lions’ eyes, it makes me want to hold out for something bigger − maybe even the full 20 ft. model. No, that would be ostentatious and take too long. Besides, we’re not vengeful people.
At this point, I have to dazzle you with some science: There are a number of sharks that can handle fresh water with the bull shark as the most dangerous. You can be 2 thousand miles up the Amazon and get attacked by a bull shark. Thankfully, it’s too cold for them in our rivers.
The reason Great Whites don’t venture into fresh water has to do with their salinity levels, which are even higher than the surrounding ocean. In a river, their kidneys would be overwhelmed trying to process out all the fresh water that seeped in through their pores. These are very sensitive killers. Great Whites only last days in captivity, although a 6-footer was successfully released after a half-year stay at a San Francisco aquarium.
What I envision is a speeding semi truck with a big shark in a saltwater tank. We’d throw in some Jacuzzi nozzles for the water flow and a police escort to keep the motorcade moving. En route, scientists from OHSU would affix a tracking device, plus an intravenous, high-tech salt dispenser designed to maintain the Great White’s saline levels for up to ten days. I'm sure OHSU could use some good publicity about now.
Then we’d drop the shark in by the dam and let nature take its course, with the main course being salmon-stuffed sea lion. When the ten days were up, we’d recapture the sluggish beast and rush it back to the coast along a route lined with cheering schoolchildren holding Keiko-style signs, only much darker. This could become an annual event with big tourist bucks. You’ve heard of the “Hood to Coast” race? Why not the “Shark to the Dammed”?