Aerial Tram Awards: Humiliating Flop

Hitching Home with the Tram Awards Trophy

This is why I don’t give parties, people. I’d rather go to prison with Martha Stewart than to go through the social scene again. To the people of Portland who didn’t choose to participate in this extravaganza, I hope they build a tram over your house. No, wait. I hope they build a tram through the living room of your house. May you and your wretched city rot in hell for eternity or forever – whichever takes longer.
Actually, the Tram Awards started slow but ended up being a lot of fun. Walking around this morning, I’ve been grinning. I feel the post-gig euphoria. I did cancel my standup routine about the city council so I’ll run part of it later. To the band and the blogging legends who did show up: I thank you. I bought a beer for Steve Schopp. I hobnobbed with Frank Dufay and his family. I chatted with Tenskwatawa. Haven’t you ever wondered what he’s like? And for some reason I’ve been most intrigued by the guy who comments under the name Garage Wine. Something about that name always puzzled me. Just when all seemed lost, a young man approached carrying his adorable little girl, and introduced himself as Garage Wine. He seemed completely normal and pleasant, so I asked, “Why? What’s the story behind the name Garage Wine?” He said he got it off one of those random name search things because he wanted to be anonymous. Hey, buddy, after last night I know the feeling.
I was also moved that Phil Stanford and Roger Anthony showed up. They're my buddies from the Tribune years.
I videotaped the first set of the band. I forgot to turn the camera on for the second set – of course! Anyway, the drummer, who several of us had just met 48 hours before, added a great dimension. His name is Jay Harris, he’s got a Ph.D. in education so just by joining he doubled the band’s IQ. Anyway, after a gig I usually feel cool and this morning is no exception. Sorry, about the rant. It wasn’t that bad, but I’m completely aware of how much people enjoy the misery of others. Go ahead and enjoy. It was an ass-kicking, but that’s why I have a sense of humor. Hey, look. In all honesty, if I had been presented with the same set of circumstances I probably wouldn’t have gone either. Anyway, late last night, I played the video and right during one of the songs I rose out of my social stupor and played a slide guitar solo that made me proud. This was not a defeat. I’m in a decent band. That doesn’t happen everyday. I have a nice wife and some good buddies. I am not a loser. I am not a loser. Am I? No! I am not a loser. Why, Portland? Why? Was it the hype job? Too much? Uh oh, the feelings are coming back again. May you and your pompous little Portland attitude, take the aerial tram and shove it right up your.... Wait. Give me a second…I’m okay. I’m okay.