Great News From Iraq: It Turns Out There's Lots of Oil There!

Sometimes when you do something nice for someone, it can come back at you in ways you never imagined. Take the situation in Iraq: Here we go halfway around the world to bring freedom and democracy to a long-suffering People and guess what? It turns out the place is swimming in oil! In fact, the big oil companies are on the verge of locking up long-term lease agreements for Iraq's oil supply.

That should be a lesson for all of us. I know it's been easy to be critical of this plan. I hate to sound callous, but I always wondered why we should bother to be so nice to Iraqis? Shouldn't we take care of our own in New Orleans first? I admit I've been a little bit tough on our President over all this, because I failed to see the upside, and things haven't been going all that great.

In fact, President Bush is announcing his new plan for Iraq this week, and you can tell expectations are a little low. This one is called Operation Enduring Quagmire.

Now don't kid yourself: the plan establishes tough new benchmarks for the Iraqi government. For example, by the year 2020, they must switch from hangings to the electric chair.

I admit it's been tough to see the point of the whole situation, but that just goes to show you not to judge too quickly. The news that Iraq has gigantic oil reserves really changes things. It must have been a very pleasant surprise for the President and Dick Cheney. Here they go out of their way to be nice, and they get rewarded big-time. I guess good things happen to good people.

As big-hearted as this administration is, I bet they would love to get Iraq's oil industry rolling, as a parting gift. After all, we've grown used to being good to our Muslim friends during this rewarding democracy project, and - darn it - it just feels nice to be nice. What would be a sweeter move than to do the People of Iraq right one last time?

Unfortunately, no matter how much goodness is in our hearts, there are times when even the White House has to live in the real world. That's why these leases for Iraq's oil will last 30 years. And there's another unfortunate little twist, that's absolutely tearing up the big oil companies. Because of all the unrest in the country, we may have to spend a little more to help the Iraqi People get that oil money. Darn it. So that's why we're going to take 75% of the profits for oil and give the country 25%.

Now you understand this is just a temporary surge. As soon as we report that we've recouped our high spending costs, the foreign oil companies will drop down to a 20% share. Of course, some cynics have suggested the 20% rate is still twice the normal amount, but if you've been paying 75%, it's quite a drop. Besides, goodness like we've shown over there should be rewarded a little.

The important thing is to get past all the bickering and celebrate our incredible good luck. Who knew when we went over, that they had this kind of oil? And there's even more of a blessing to come: I'm sure as soon as the Iraqi People learn the details of this lucky break, they'll be thrilled. They'll probably be so delighted, that they'll leave our oil operations untouched, just waiting for that magic day 30 years from now, when they get whatever is left! Hey, I've just thought of some more good news: In 30 years when the oil leases are up, we'll probably be able to bring home the troops!
Independent Online Edition > Middle East