Oh For Smart: The Food Thing

I tried being a vegetarian for around 6 months but I began having dreams where I was chasing an antelope through the woods. I knew it was time to go back. When it comes to will power, I’m as strong as ten people, as long as they’re all fat. Actually, I have quit many things in my life, with booze over 21 years ago being one of the better decisions. Quitting pot was also a very wise move. You can’t be a comedy writer if the menu at Denny’s gives you the giggles. In fact, I didn’t even know I was funny back in the day. Let’s just say a great many of us found life quite amusing. Unfortunately, there are many things that require rock solid judgment. For example, it’d be tough trying to be a screenwriter if you were planted down by the TV, overwhelmed by the brilliance of Matlock. It is also wise - when you are trying to live with someone else - if you are actually there for them, in mind and spirit.
They don’t want to be watching a news story about Rawanda, and look over at their partners and see you giggling because you're tripping out about the drapes again.
That’s why I’m glad I have strong willpower. I can walk away from things many people need programs and counselors to get off. I’m an all or nothing type, which works great except for with food. Food is a problem. You can’t just quit eating. Even the phrase “cold turkey”, sounds like a sandwich.
The most screwed up thing about food is that if you diet, your body adjusts to maximize the weight gain from what you do get. For example, if you go low carb, you will lose weight. But your body will adjust to the lower calories, and when you go back off the diet, you can literally gain weight from thinking about a doughnut. It’s that bad.
There are two possible explanations: First, we might have evolved through great times of famine and struggle, so a scarcity of food is seen by the body as a problem. Losing weight has never been a goal before, so the body resists.
Second, God could have created us, but didn’t believe we would ever get it this together with the food supply. That would mean God didn’t have much faith in us. One thing is clear: There is no morality present in our current metabolisms. If you do the right thing and eat less, you are punished for it, by having your body adjust to counteract your noble intentions. That is not something a traditional God would design. Maybe that is why you see preachers on TV who are sometimes quite large.
The results of this obesity problem are everywhere. Americans are getting fatter all the time. We’ve been nibbling on the crust of so many pizzas that it won’t be long before our added weight threatens the crust of the earth.
Fortunately, my brother has written a book to counteract these problems and save humanity. I actually pimped this thing on KATU’s “Good Morning, Oregon” show or whatever it’s called. The way it's been going, maybe they should call it, “Good Morning, Fatties." You’d think one helping of promo would be enough for my brother, but no. He wants seconds. That’s right, the insatiable bastard wants a plug on my blog.


Here's the Link:
Oh For Smart