Relax, Bush Supporters! The President Can Still Save the Republican Party

This country is in real trouble. President Bush has got to act quickly to make us all safe from a new threat that has wormed it's way into the very halls of power. That's right, we have a new terrorist group amongst us called the Pages of Capitol Hill. This cell represents a threat even greater than al Qaeda, because while al Qaeda could hurt mere citizens, the Pages could bring down the authoritarian rulers of America.

What if these Pages tell their secrets and the Congress goes Democratic? That could lead to impeachment hearings. What then? If President Bush and Dick Cheney are removed from office, and sent to prison, who wins? Al Qaeda wins. Therefore this cell of Congressional Pages is an ally of the terrorists. That makes them our enemies in the War on Terror.

In addition to threatening our leaders, they have done something almost as bad. By filling the Internet with their filth, they have become a threat to our children. They must be stopped immediately at all cost. The Republicans in Congress would certainly appreciate it. We'd be greeted with flowers as liberators. Some steps have already been taken. Some pages have already been threatened with physical harm, but that might not be enough to quiet them through Election Day. What can save the Republican Party now?

Fortunately, our brilliant leaders have planned for occurances like this. The solution to this vicious pack of terrorist-loving brats is the Detainee Bill - worked out as a compromise just last week. Legal experts at the Center for Constitutional Rights had this to say about the new bill: "This ominously broad definition of enemy combatants would mean that almost anyone who actively opposes the President or the government could be locked up indefinitely. This bill makes a mockery of the rule of law."

So there you have it. Declare the pages enemy combatants who threaten national security and hold them somewhere forever without any rights. If you love President Bush it's the right thing to do. I'm sure when he asks Jesus, both Jesus and God will agree. This is bigger than terrorism. This is about holding onto office.

In fact, this is so scary we need a new term to frighten the American People. Let's see? Operation Enduring Power? No, that's not sufficiently dramatic enough. I've got it. This is Day One in a new global conflict: The War on Perversion.