President Bush Does Not Lie

By now it should be obvious to everyone that President Bush does not lie. Instead, he is on such a delusional messianic ego-trip, that he believes something becomes true by the mere fact of him saying it. This is a fascinating part of his lack of character. While Dick Cheney clearly suffered a personal setback from shooting his lawyer friend, President Bush has yet to see any sign of his own incompetence. If he says things are going well, then they are - his statements have to be true because President Bush is the Truth, the All-Powerful, and the Light of the World. Pay attention, you religious types: President Bush is the type of false prophet the Bible warned you about.
I’ll skip past his pronouncements about how ready we were for Katrina, except to say you can spin some of the people some of the time, but you can’t spin a hurricane any of the time. I was struck by how he pronounced the situation under control as if by doing that he had made it so.
But let’s look at my least favorite topic of these last 5 years – My God, has it only been 5 years? – the topic of torture. Normally President Bush puts on his cuddly blue shirt when he’s speaking directly to the faithful. It just brings out the teenage puppy love they feel for this godly man. But the day he talked about torture, he was wearing a suit. He looked at the camera and with a heartfelt conviction that would do justice to a saint, he said, “The United States does not torture.”
Now, just this week, the Washington Post wrote, “Bush administration lawyers, fighting a claim of torture by a Guantanamo Bay detainee, yesterday argued that the new law that bans cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of detainees in U.S. custody does not apply to people held at the military prison. In federal court yesterday and in legal filings, Justice Department lawyers contended that a detainee at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, cannot use legislation drafted by Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) to challenge treatment that the detainee's lawyers described as "systematic torture."

Someone with little understanding of presidential morality might conclude that President Bush was lying when he said America does not torture. They might point to the way this administration fought the McCain torture ban, and how President Bush made clear that he would ignore it if he wanted. Maybe you just need a little reminder: That ban was just a paper law; Bush is the Living Law.
So, here’s the question for you religious scholars out there: Was Bush really lying? The answer is “No, because he is the Truth, he is the Light of the World, and he is the Law of the Land. If he said it, it had to be so, and anyone who disagrees with him, therefore, has to be lying.” Everybody got that? Good. There’s still room at Guantanemo if you don’t want to play along.